Family Life

The Family Life Conference was a great success this year.  A number of families suggested that providing materials online would be a good idea.  So I thought I would blog about some of the material.  One of the sessions which I led was entitled, "Parenting Like a Horse-Whisperer".  The four main points were: 1) Strive to be steady, 2) Strive to be single-minded, 3) Strive to be strategic, 4) Strive to be prize-oriented, and 5) Strive to develop a partnership.

I. Strive to be Steady (Video on overcoming fear)
Horses get to know you by sight and smell, and the tone of your voice.  They sense the mood!  They know if you are nervous, angry, or anxious.  A good horseman is calm and collected when working with a green-broke horse.

How can I be calm and collected as I parent a toddler or teenager? 

1. Be Confident - Fortunately or unfortunately, no one is an expert the moment they become a parent.  The same is true of a horse whisperer.  It takes a lot of time to develop the skills and patience of a horse whisperer.  

• The good news is that you don’t have to be an expert to be confident.  Stephen Covey opens his book on family life with this chapter title, “You’re Going to Be ‘Off Track’ 90 Percent of the Time.  So What?”  He writes, “Good families--even great families--are off track 90 percent of the time!”
•   But, you can still be confident!
• Confidence comes when you remember that you are the parent, they are the child.
• Confidence comes from your love for your children.  If you love your kids deeply from the heart, they will sense that love.
• Confidence grows as you overcome your fears.  What makes you anxious about parenting?
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2. Be Consistent - Horses want to know what you expect from them.  For this reason, it is important to act consistently when working with them.  The same is true of children.  

• Consistency is a choice and a habit which can be developed.  You don’t have to know everything or do everything just right.  If you will simply be consistent, trust will develop.  Developing trust with your children is more important than anything else.
• Consistency flows out of establishing boundaries and borders.  Your child really wants to know your expectations for attitudes and behavior.  If you will be consistent in your behavior and your expectations, all the guess work is removed.  

3. Communicate clearly - communication is both verbal and non-verbal.  How you manage your emotions communicates very loudly to your children.

II. Strive to be Single-minded (Video - “Treat them like you want them to be.”)

If you ever watch an experienced horseman work with a horse, you will notice that they are not very easy discouraged.  Like children, horses can easily disappoint.  They don’t always act or react like we plan.  Having a mental picture of the attitude, character, or behaviors we are trying to influence into our child is very important.

1. Be single-minded by exhibiting patience when your child doesn’t respond like you desire.
2. Be single-minded by exhibiting a persevering attitude focusing on what your child will become, not the behaviors which are currently being demonstrated.

“Don’t treat them like they are  . . . Treat them like you want them to be.”  (Buck Brannaman)

III. Strive to be Strategic (Video on groundwork)

When you work with a horse it is understood that you have an agenda or a purpose.  You want to educate the horse so that horse and rider can work together without a lot of drama.  The same is true of parenting.  It’s OK to have an agenda for your kids.  In fact, we are all God’s children.  Just as God has an agenda for His children, so we also should have a strategic agenda for our child.  Parenting requires a strategy.  If you’re like me you want your kids to grow up to be successful and significant in God’s will.

1. Parent with the end in mind - What are you expecting of your child?  Does he or she know what you are expecting?  Make your expectations clear.  Write them out.  Talk about them.  If you communicate your expectations, your child will surprise you by fulfilling them.
2. Parent with short term goals -- It’s easy to be overwhelmed by parenting.  Short term goals help me keep moving forward when I feel like I’m failing as a parent or things seem to be slipping backwards.  One motto I learned in my youth when working with horses went something like this - “One step forward, two steps back”.  The point is that with kids and horses, “slow is fast.” 

IV. Strive to be Prize-oriented (Video #1: Bribery Doesn’t work)

Every horse whisperer knows that you reward good behavior.  If the horse with which you are working cooperates, you pat them on the neck or speak softly and encouraging to them.  You don’t ignore good behavior, you reward it. 

1. Be an encourager in your child’s life.  Notice when your child does something right.  Be a voice of encouragement.  Your child should hear you say, “I love you” and “I’m proud of you”.  
2. Don’t bribe, but reward.  As far as I’m concerned it’s OK to offer rewards to your child for desired behavior.  Most of life is wired this way.  But be careful not to bribe your child.  All that is required is that you make the reward clear and wait for the desired behavior before you give the reward.

V.  Strive to develop a partnership (Video on partnership)

What makes a horse whisperer a horse whisper?  Are they just patient, soft-spoken people?  Horse whisperers are good at “joining up” with the horse.  Horses are herd animals with herd instincts, so they naturally want to “join up” with you.  Likewise with children, seek to form a partnership so that they want to follow your lead.

1. Be relational - Kids need relationship with mom and dad.  So be available.  Be touchable.  Be real with your kids.
2. Spend quantity time - There is no replacement for quantity time with your kids--that’s when the quality time happens.  If you will spend time with your kids, you will build a healthy relationship with them.

• Go on vacation together.
• Go on a date.
• Develop shared hobbies.

Enjoy, Pastor Tom