DATE NIGHT at New Life

The DATE NIGHT Conference is this Friday and Saturday (March 15-16).  Hope you can make it.  We are looking forward to loads of fun, food, and fellowship.  Ministry to your children is provided.  There is still room for a few more to register, so go to http://www.newlifecolumbia.org/date_night.aspx.  You can register online and then just bring a check for $30.00 with you to the event.  We will enjoy dinner on Friday night and breakfast snacks and lunch together on Saturday.  Food will be provided for the children as well.

At the DATE NIGHT Conference you will be encouraged to enrich your marriage by accepting the Date Night Challenge.  See you there.

Conflict with those you love

Let's face it--conflict causes stress, anxiety, and relationship troubles.  Conflict can affect your health, your family, and even your work performance.  Portland State University’s Institute on Aging studied over 650 adults over a two-year period and found that ‘stable negative social exchanges’ (in other words, repetitive or prolonged conflict) was significantly associated with lower self-rated health, greater functional limitations, and a higher number of health conditions. ( see www. stress.about.com and search for and article titled, "Conflict in Relationships" by Elizabeth Scott)

Conflict is stressful; but it doesn't have to be that way.  The next time you are in conflict with someone you love, LAUGH your way out.  Below are five suggestions for healthy conflict resolution using LAUGH as an acronym   Remember, "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries the bones." (Proverbs 17:22)

L - Listen well (Seek to hear, before you are heard)

A - Attend to emotions (Become proactive in dealing with the emotions of self and others)

U - Understand and respect - (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.)

G - Generate alternative solutions (Become an imaginative problem solver)

H - Honor God, others, and yourself (Pursue integrity and relational justice for all)

The next time you are in conflict, take a deep breath and LAUGH your way out of conflict.  You and the person with which you are in conflict will both be better off.  

Have a great day, Pastor Tom

Divorce, Marriage, Relationships, and Life

This sunday at New Life we will be preaching from Matthew 19 on Divorce, Marriage, and Relationships.  I know the subject of divorce has touched all of us in some way.  It is a subject which requires truth and grace.  I hope to offer both this Sunday.  In this blog, I focus on divorce and marriage from the vantage point of someone who might be struggling in marriage or considering divorce as the best option.  Whatever marriage you are in--your first, second, or third--I believe your best course of action is to stay married and grow to become more like Christ, especially if children are involved.

It's true, "the Beavers don't live here anymore."  For decades now, divorce has become common place in American society.  What is more surprising is the reality that being a Christian doesn't seem to function as an inoculation against the pandemic of broken relationships across our great country.  According to George Barna, "Born Again" Christians are divorcing at a similar rates as the society in general.  Barna writes, "America now boasts the highest divorce rate in the world. . . . For Americans, the allure of divorce is that it appears to offer the simplest solution to what typically amounts to a complex web of problems.  As always, appearances can be deceiving.  Divorce often shatters spouses emotionally and financially.  In fact, the consequences of divorce can be more harrowing than the troubled marriage."  (The Future of the American Family, George Barna, 65)  The statistics demonstrate that people who are in troubled marriages and do the hard work to rebuild their marriage tend to be happier five years later than similar couples who get a divorce and remarry.

The Bible is clear, God "hates" divorce because it represents a "broken promise" and it is damaging to adults and unhealthy for children (Malachi 2:15).  Jesus taught us the divine ideal for marriage to be a lifelong bond that unites husband and wife in a "one flesh" relationship (Matthew 19:5).  Marriage is about life-long companionship and love.  Marriage is an opportunity to grow to become more like Christ.  Of course, love and companionship is good fro us and great for our children.

So what about love?  Is there anything greater than love?  Paul wrote these words to the Corinthians, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Perhaps the biggest marriage allusion is that love "just happens" or that love is a "feeling".  In reality,  love is more of a choice and a character quality.  Love is a gift that we offer to our spouse on a daily basis even if they do not respond accordingly.  Sometimes that love is appreciated and reciprocated.  Other times it is ignored and violated.  In any case, true love flows from God's fountain of love (1 John 4:19).  To love your spouse in difficult circumstances, you need to tap into a huge reservoir of God's love that is available in Christ.

So what about growth?  Some marriages are made in heaven, some it seems in hell (just being honest).  In either case, marriage is worked out on earth!  Whether you have an "easy" marriage or a "challenging" marriage, you have seasons in life when you must work at your marriage to restore it or refresh it.  Otherwise, your relationship of love and companionship will disintegrate into thin air.  What you once felt for your lover and friend will disappear.  So why not work on your relationship and grow in the process?!  

I believe God designed Christian marriage to be an object lesson of God's relationship and love with His people, the church.  Paul seems to agree in Ephesians 5:23-32.  That means that your marriage is a reflection of your relationship with God and your relationship with your spouse is closely connected.  It also means that if you are willing to grow in your relationships with God, your marriage can also be transformed (Romans 12).  

Becoming more like Christ could be the key to saving your marriage and finding true happiness in life.  I know it seems like some marriages are destined to fail.  And yet, no one comes together on their wedding day with a secret plan of divorcing down the road (or maybe some do?!).  We are attracted to our spouse, "fall in love", and make plans for a life together.  Our hope and dreams are that we will experience life-long love and companionship.  Life has a way of challenging those dreams.  But, God has a way (if we will let him) of keeping those dreams alive and growing us into stronger people in the process.
  
If you are struggling in your marriage or considering divorce, My hope is that you would give God a chance to change your marriage and change you in the process.  All things are possible with God (Philippians 4:13)

See you Sunday at the ARC (9:30 AM and 10:15 AM).  Pastor Tom

family matters most

Just a few thoughts on marriage and relationships.  I'm going to lead a small group this fall on Five Signs of a Functional Family.  The very first sign is the attitude of service.  Marriage is touch because you have two different people with a different set of expectations, communication skills, and family backgrounds.  All of that can drain the life out of a relationship, especially if you aren't intensional about building up your marriage.

So what's the answer?  Well, one part of the answer is the "attitude of service".  Everyone enjoys being served.  So if you can decide to focus on serving your spouse rather than focusing on your pain and unfulfilled expectation, you might just melt your spouse's heart.

Here's the key.  You need God's help to find the strength to serve.  I've met very few people who just naturally serve others, especially in marriage.  You need to find a source of humility; a source of strength.  For me that's Christ Jesus.  Give service a try in your home.  Don't wait for your spouse to serve,  You start.

Fireproof

Never leave your partner behind!  Coming up this Sunday, March 29 at 9 AM New Life Community Church is sponsoring a showing of the movie Fireproof, so I've been thinking a lot about relationships and why we are struggling so much in Western culture to fall in love an stay in love.  While romance seems to be alive and well, we are increasingly alienated from one another and more people than ever are living alone.  Why?  Well, many are waiting longer to get married.  Others are divorcing or separating more often.  And we are living longer.  The net result is that many people are feeling left out, alone, and suffering from the broken relationships of the past.  

And yet there is one constant which we all carry with us.  The constant need for good stable relationships in which we can give and receive true love.  I wonder how many people are living with true love in their lives right now as I write this?  True love really isn't an emption, it is the loving acceptance of a loyal friend.    Jesus said, "greater love has no man than this: that he lay down his life for a friend."  How many people are you willing to lay down your life for?  the answer might be revealing as it relates to "true love" and your relationships.

That's the idea behind the Fireproof movie--never leave your partner behind!  Firemen live by this motto.  And we know there something noble and enriching about this motto when we live it out in daily life.  Why, then, are we having such difficulty living out "true love" in our lives?

I believe the answer lies in a relationship with God.  You can't really love until you have been loved.  And many of us have never been truly loved.  We need to receive God's love into our lives.  Many people are turning to the love and company of pets these days.  Why?  Because they are looking for unconditional acceptance.  But God will not only love you, he will also transform you into someone who can love others unconditionally.  That's something your pet can't do.

Join us on Sunday at the Forum 8 Theaters for the Fireproof movie.  9 Am on March 29.  See you there.  Tom